by Devina Gunawan
I could use some embarrassment around. In fact, I did.
What could color life better than an act that would just spark up a big embarrassment in the show?
Time surely hurt when what you wanted to do just never came to be. Call it cowardice or low self esteem, action just seems to fall shy in front of the final goals.
Five years ago during my freshman orientation, my eyes caught a tall, beautiful, tanned boy standing alone under a tree, away from the group. His features were nothing ordinary; from one glance anyone could tell that he was foreign. Above all those mesmerizing views, he spaced out and stood a one man alone show most of the time; all which should not be attractive but were to me.
I spotted him several times by himself, walking around aimlessly with blank stares in his perfectly fitted eyes. As much as the sight was pleasing to my eyes, it was painful to my heart; the boy was alone.
Does he have any friend? What is he doing? Does he understand and speak English well?
All those questions and more just came by crossing my mind like a river flow.
Then I started to make a bet with myself, that if I ever came across him again on campus I would greet him and perhaps become his friend.
However time just flew and I kept walking by him without saying a word.
One whole year passed by in a blink of an eye. As I had already mentioned earlier, things like cowardice could do much to a simple challenge.
So I decided to greet him sometime before finals, before it was my first anniversary of crushing on a random guy, with some redeemed confidence I had left. As I spotted him at the bookstore, my heart skipped thunderously and my nerves started to choke my mentality.
An idiot that I was, I challenged myself to a further stage. I told myself that if I dared to do it, I would prove myself a real international rooted politician.
And an idiot I remained until today.
Hesitantly I waited outside the bookstore for sign of him coming out, and I rehearsed over the words that I would say to him.
Then I remembered the stretched, long line in front of the cashier and thought that he would not be out anytime soon. So I threw myself some more thought that if the moment I walked away he came out then I would turn back and greet him.
Misfortune leaped in joy.
My nerves shook me in such ways that I could not feel my arms anymore. I took deep breaths and slowly approached him. It was madness and my heart was racing along with my steps.
Should I cancel it? Should I continue?
I honestly could not decide.
Before I could even interrupt myself, I shrieked. Yes, I shrieked, and coughed, and said, “Excuse me.”
He turned around and I stopped breathing.
“Hi. I’m sorry if that was really random.”
He smiled and said, “It’s alright.”
Oh God, why did You create accents? Why did You create cute accents? I am vulnerable in the face of thick, captivating accent!
Then my thoughts just fell apart and I could not organize the things I originally had planned to say. Instead, I said something completely stupid and embarrassed myself. In French. And honestly, I had no idea how it came out that way.
“I am sorry, but I am from Brazil,” said my dream man. I knew that, of course, but my nerves did not.
Like I said earlier, idiot.
But I would not be more of an idiot by sharing what I had said to him on my blog. At least I should get credits for my sudden intelligence.
After saying goodbye to him, I wished I had never done that—the talking to him part I meant.
Obviously I had prayed that I would never see him on campus again, which could have been possible considering the number of students and the size of the whole place. I prayed then that it would be the last time I ever got to see him again.
At least though, I had proven myself to be a social worm. Not butterfly, just worm, since it took me one whole year to have finally spoken to him.
But no matter how loud the thoughts of “I should have never done that!” rang in my mind, I kept wishing that he would not forget it. Maybe it would be more worth it if he actually remembered me, right? So the whole thing was not just a waste of energy, nerves, and sanity.