by Devina Gunawan
Featured image by m0ut0n addict, Deviantart
Some people wonder how come I’m so okay being alone.
“Don’t you get lonely?”
I have recently come to realization that I have turned into one of those people who don’t even bother to ‘look’ for social life. I used to look up ‘clubs’ to go to, groups or communities that I could join (you know, some cult if possible since they seem loyal – ahah), or just any place where I could make friends.
It was that phase in life of, “I am working 9 to 5, and I need social life!”
“Where all my homies at?!”
So it was a year of searching, and all those hunts for people who might someday be my BFFs ended up with this: me staying in bed during my free time, cozying up to my endless list of TV shows to watch.
And I am loving it.
Of course, it took time until I finally realized that it was so much better than what I thought I wanted.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not that lonely. I have several friends I hang out with when it’s weekend and all, but they also have their lives. So sometimes when our work schedules stretch out to weekends, the ones who don’t have work will just stay in bed with TV shows.
There was a time when we all complained. It was like, “Dude, can’t you just get out of work? It’s a Saturday!”
Now it’s become, “Oh, cool. See ya next weekend.”
The search for new friends eventually stopped. I just stopped looking. I guess it’s also the fact that where I live, people come to judgment fast. Like, really fast. It’s a superficial world, and I guess I got tired of it.
I couldn’t make friends with girls without them thinking that I might steal their men, or their potential men. It was a series of, “Why did you just talk to him? What did you guys talk about? Did he smile at you?”
“No, girl, I just asked him to get out of my way. I wanted to order coffee.”
I couldn’t make friends with some guys without them trying to rub my thighs or just simply be inappropriate. I remember to some I even declared myself to be a full blown, no-way-ever-turning-straight kind of lesbian.
“Are you sure you’re lesbian? Are you sure you’re not just like a feminist? I can definitely do feminist.”
No, no, no, no!
And for those who know me, probably can guess my responses to all those assumptions. I am brutal when people are pushing me. So that ended up with my new reputation as the ultimate Bruja (yes, let me park my broomstick somewhere).
My sister told me to adjust and to try understanding these people. She told me that way I’d make friends. But apparently, after earning the ‘friend’ label, I still had to act and pretend to be someone else in order to keep my ‘friends’ happy. It, of course, led to me wondering, if happiness meant having good friends, and if good friends meant people you had to please.
So after a year of searching and feeling turned off just by looking at some humans’ faces, I decided to end my hunt and settled with my busily-working-and-only-available-when-it’s-weekend friends. And sometimes, when they’re not available, I go, “YEAS! Hello my beautiful netflix hours.”
I figured I don’t have to look so hard. I mean, how worth my time are these people anyway?
My happiness definitely doesn’t mean having people to stare at and secretly curse. My happiness lies in me feeling comfortable and not wanting to stab someone in the eye while listening to them talk about my differences.
I am done with trying to please someone just so that he or she might like me enough to think of as a friend. I am done taking in people’s insults like a good woman would (give the other cheek advice thing mothers would tell their daughters. Sorry, Ma) just to prove them that I am patient enough. And I am definitely done tolerating the things I hate the most, such as accepting people’s insulting comments about me just to ‘understand’ them better. Because really, what kind of understanding is that?
I do not have enough hours in a day to deal with people like that. I do not have enough seconds or minutes in an hour for anyone who thinks I’m a bruja.
And I like me. So as long as I am good with me staying in bed with my warm milk and ‘Once Upon a Time’ marathon, I am all good and happy.
So, if y’all are one of those good friends who complain to me daily about being lonely and not having friends, read this twice. Loneliness doesn’t always mean sad. Being alone is not a bad thing. Sometimes it just means you choose to not deal with people who don’t appreciate you or like you. It just means you are good with yourself, and that you do not need others to define your existence.
Think about it too, that when you don’t have people around, you have less distractions, and you can focus on your goals. That’s what I’m doing now. So sometimes, when friends cancel on me and tell me something comes up, they don’t need to feel bad. Really, they don’t.
Chances are, I am dancing in my underwear happily in my room, getting ready for some illustrating time or TV show marathon.