The couch and the TV are the two best friends. When they’re both present and the TV works just fine, there’s nothing else in the world that we need.
Well, maybe a bag of Cheetos.
And let’s be classy. Make some tea. The coffee addicts will brew some coffee and stand by the brewing coffee, inhaling the sweet coffee perfume.
Now that’s life.
Phone is by the couch, charging nonstop. It’s probably 100% charged, but what’s the point of unplugging it and plugging it in again later? Might as well just leave it committed to the charger.
What do we wear?
Couch potatoes require no dress code. We wear Star Wars T-shirts and sweat pants.
Some of us have stuffed animals lined up on the couch to accompany us do our work, which is to watch a TV show for a day or two, depending on how tired we get.
We sleep on the couch, wake up on the couch, eat on the couch, work on the couch, and live on the damn couch.
It’s a relationship. An occupation. A lifestyle.
Sometimes we get exercise done. We get up and go get a bag of popcorn. We put it in the microwave, do some push-ups while waiting for the popcorn to finish popping, and head back to our work station.
We smell like butter and coffee, the best combination there is in a natural body scent.
People tend to wonder where we’ve been. We can go missing in weeks. Sometimes even months.
We get out when there’s a social urgency. Like, church. Or, doctor’s appointment. Or grocery shopping. Or when new movies come out and we just have to move our station to the theater. There, we get a lot of our social life, since we have to share the theater with a lot of people.
Some people don’t even bother asking us to hang out anymore. They know they’re not worth half as our TVs are.
Which, is sadly true.
We have immune system the strength of a twig in a sandstorm. When we go out for a day, we come back with a fever.
Not because we had a long day working outside, but because we’d grown allergic to the outside.
We treat snacks like our savings. We collect a lot just to spend a lot.
But people love talking to us when they get to it. We are excellent listeners. Not because we’re interested in their stories, but because we either space out when they start talking, or do what we do best: watch and listen, just imagine people’s faces replacing our TV for a couple of hours.
So our job makes us good listeners, and it also makes us humble. We don’t ever have the time to buy expensive stuff to show off, or dress to impress.
It makes us wise in our spending when it comes to basic needs. We truly live on basic needs, so we know what to do.
Our mentality is made of steel. Because we learn so much from TV, and we are emotionally compromised due to the frequent viewing of crazy drama we see daily. We laugh off life problems and live our lives with such positive vibe.
We are fun. Because we can educate you on whatever’s on TV. We are the walking E!news.
Everything has references. If you have an on and off relationship, we will call you “Ross and Rachel.” When you are torn between two beautiful brothers, we understand because we know how bad it’s been for the “Salvatore brothers.”
And when you talk about drama, our mind goes to the Kardashians.
Our partners won’t ever worry about our faithfulness. If we lie and say we can’t go on a date because we are feeling under the weather, they won’t suspect us seeing other people. Chances are, they know where we are… on our couch, watching Empire.
They know that we can’t even get up from the couch, even if there’s a deadly earthquake. So why would we get up for a fling? It probably took our partners a long time to get us to commit to them, so they know the drill.
We have the ability to hibernate like a polar bear, and the aptness to embrace solitude like no other.
Like I said, TV and couch are all we need.
Our families oftentimes wonder if their kids have any ambition at all. Some of us are well known for being “the useless kid” or the one who “hasn’t moved from his couch in days.” They ask us what we do, really, and why don’t we go out with friends every now and then?
And we laugh it off.
Life is simple. Why do we the couch potatoes have to worry so much about anything?
The other day a friend asked us what do we do routinely. We proudly answered, “Professional couch potato.”